Gratitude & Sorrow: The many faces of grief.

                                                                          

Today marks two years without my favorite person.

To claim it as a rollercoaster doesnt begin to cover the range of lows that've accompanied me, with the different faces of grief taking their turn housing my heart. 

Over time you just get used to calls and conversations with someone, and the thought of them one day being gone escapes your mind. Random texts asking how we are, or insisting that we come get this juice she bought for us. 

I got to experience a small lifetime of her banter, wonderful story-telling skills and forced yard work on us all. 

(To no avail, because I never developed a green thumb lol!).

Being fed small bowls of chicken and angel hair soup, 

while sitting on the stairs of her house.  Listening to her stories about being a kid or her adventures with Grandpa, while I slowly drifted in and out of sleepiness to the droning sound of her voice. 

That voice and those stories I hope to never forget. 

Or, the laugh she had when she cracked herself up, while slapping her knee. 

The feeling of her boney knuckles rubbing your spine when you needed it most. 

Or how she could untangle any chain with her nimble little fingers, and a grace and patience that was truly unmatched. 

Thousands of small details that now seem more important than ever, right? 

 I hope she knew how much I loved her. The special place she held and will always hold in my heart. 

In all our hearts.  With two down and a lifetime of years to come without her, Im grateful for the things she taught me, the silly moments I shared and the infinite space of love she held in her heart for us all. 

In the end, the cycle was completed, and I got to take care of her those last two years. 

Perhaps this is why the sorrow in my heart's so heavy somedays. 

Questions loom and watching you wither and wilt was a slow progression of spikes digging into me. The most beautiful Mass of being eventually would be gone and I was watching it happen.  I still remember the last thing I did for you, I still remember the last kiss I gave you. Dreams of these things still haunt me. 

But I hope you're floating in the ethereal, in peace at last. 

If there was a divine paradise, guaranteed you got in. 

So what do you say to someone who had such a wonderful impact on your life, and you never got to tell them how much you truly appreciated everything? She was someone who loved big and never let you feel unloved. With a heart and personality as large as life, this spot, the hole and special place in my heart will never be refilled. But a place that I take flowers to and hold onto and cry. Grief presents herself in many ways. One of the best ways is holding onto the overflowing love I felt from her.

In the end its not what they did for you or how they did it, its the conversations, and the quality time you had together. The more you mourn someone, the more you notice small details of yourself absorbing who they were. Mannerisms that are picked up by being around them so much. The hoarding of lids, or empty jars. How do you say thank you and I love you to someone who is gone? 

Perhaps today, I'll light a candle and send a prayer up in its smoke. Spend extra time dusting your shelf and making sure the pictures are perfectly placed. 

Thank you, Grandma for being just absolutely topnotch, the classiest and sassiest lady in the land. We're all better off because of you.

Grief ?! In these times, sheesh! (rants and resources for grief)

Grief is a strange mistress, isnt she. 

Walking next to you, as some gorgeous hooded creature. 

Faceless and heavy footed, as apparent as the elephants in the rooms of your heart

While they tell you about the stages of grief that we all inevitably go through, in whatever loss or suffering or global crisis etc we experience. What we cannot fully comprehend are the stages in their time frame, 

or how our behaviors will shift due to these things. 

You dont always  wake up one day sad, and say “ oh yes, this is sadness due to grief. I will face it and be onto the next.” And the next day and next. 

Frankly, 

most people do not wish to put aside the time to go inward and face these things.. 

Who can blame a person for wanting to avoid emotions and the trauma of grief..

I've been a grief soaked and soulless creature before, 

unable to comprehend a trauma so deep and shattering 

that I felt as if the world was the enemy

 and there was nothing left but the pit. 

They don’t tell you how much your character and behavior can and will change due to grief, 

for the good and bad. 

And I find myself, facing that creature of Grief once again, in two more forms. 

Loss and global pandemic. 

It has shown me the pit once again

 and I now peer into her, as the bottomless, 

yet eye opening free fall she is. 

Behaviors, emotions and senses heightened as they are on all levels. 

How, since grandmas passing,

 I find myself inevitably holding an ocd standard to house work and its routine.

 You see, She would not let me organize or keep things in order.. 

So now mess and clutter is an even huger stressor than it ever was.

 Is this Grief manifested ? ..

Moments, 

after I was told she passed, my first instinct was to start and organize and de clutter.

 All of the small areas she hoarded things in,

 or bottles and papers kept “just incase” Items or tasks that “She would do”. 

How the stubborn will of an incredible life force and powerhouse, 

was her inevitable downfall. 

How can one comprehend this?

Its hard to, at first,

 face all the small discrepancies that were there in the end. 

Face an ending that was fucking hard man, 

it was hard as shit. 

Harder than anything I have ever faced..

...

 In my heart,

 the grandma that I hold and know 

was the one that made me fall in love with books, and her storytelling. 

Taught me unimaginable things that always always were helpful. 

A brilliant light that ultimately helped shape me.

 Grief is so heavy.

 And its something that must be felt, on every level.

 Every fucking time, you need to face it.

What a strange thing to face,

 grief…

……

…..

…

 Inevitably changing us whether we accept or not.

 How, we, without consent are here in a global crisis ,

 with trauma and grief floating all around for every human to experience. 

Because grief, no doubt, and especially circumstantial trauma, brings up other things that need to be faced. 

Talk about some heavy shit, man. 

How do you face it? 

And move.. into the moment thats just waiting there? ..

….

…..

Grace is a fucking powerful thing. 

And sometimes its literally the only saving grace.

 (Haha I fucking get it now)

Grace with yourself, and the world around you.

 If you can Allot that grace, you’re un-fucking-stoppable. 

Experts say that grief can really change a mind, 

make you face your demons or help you choose to run away.

 It can make you feel all alone at night,

 whilst you’re laying in your bed. 

In a house surrounded by millions of other houses. 

But you’re not alone, and grief isn’t the end. 

It’s fucking true what they say, 

you gotta feel the shitty shit to get to the good shit. 

How hard and dark and sad is that shitty shit...

But how fucking great does that good shit feel when you can face the fuuuucking darkness that is grief? 

It feels top notch, My Darling. 

And once you conquer one set of darknesses,

 guess what. 

You got the rest of em. 

Remember that. 

Hey, I know life is heavy af rn, but its gonna be alright. Promises 

Here are a few resources on coping with things like Grief and Trauma. The more educated you allow yourself to be, the more equipped you’re gonna find yourself in every day life. 

Book smart and street smart. Enjoy, and Ciao for nowwww my loves :

Coping with Grief and Loss

Coping after Disaster

How to deal with Trauma

Understanding Uresolved Grief

A deeper look into grief couseling for those really struggling 

EB 

Philosophical asshat

Nov 19th 10:42 pm:

Fondly remembering a time when I was patient and content with life and what it had to offer.. 

these days, it seems, I’m becoming more patient and desiring to have an understanding of those around me on an intimate, constant basis , and less patient with life and what it has to offer. 

Adversity...

A tricky curve ball that chaos itself has thrown at you. 

Life seems to me, a constant straight with its own meanings and ways, that sometimes happens upon other sort of things... but is nonetheless, it’s own line. 

What do we do with it ?

 Now, that seems to me, the only thing we can have an answer to. 

I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, I truly know now that when we are happening upon a bit of chaos that you call adversity, we can choose to find something within it that teaches us or shows us something. In any sort of light...

Complete devastation can allow us to feel so much suffering that one day, we can call on that pain with gratitude or complete grief.. 

 Some sort of strength was acquired in the future, because of that. Our hearts and life lessons (as I call them) are a collection of beautiful triumphs ( or failures) over something so devastating or disappointing. What do we take from these adversities, if anything at all? And what do we do with it as we are in the current state of ? If I take my heart as I am, then what will come of it ? Do I allow myself to suffer so ? If this is what I choose, will I come out with a better understanding or will I just stay the same ? As I question this, I know the latter is not possible. Me, stay the same ? Ha! One thing is for certain, a halt in evolution is not on my plate. But how do we discern the evolving from the stagnant waste? How can one possibly hate humanity and love it all at the same time? And when did I start sounding like some self pondering philosophical asshat... 

E.B

Taken from my private collections--

Reflections

 In the deepest most vibrant crevices of the heart, what humans long for the most, is to be understood, loved and cared for so deeply and honestly by another. That the purity of receiving this understanding from another, brings forth this pure, whole, true version of self.. without force or suggestion. This never has to mean a romantic connection, for those are generally clouded by societal labels and misunderstandings of communication/ versions of love etc etc... but a connection so pure in nature that it is nothing short of holy. 

 How truly rare it is to look into a mirror and see this clear vision of yourself, let alone this crystal clear view of another. 

My heart is the optimist in life, whilst my brain wears me down with the logical interpretations and realities that are sometimes a sad drain on who I am. 
My soul seems to come and go as she pleases, bringing forth wisdom, magick and perspective from all angles. 
The optimist hopes and loves, creates and sees the magick..while the pessimist scowls and scoffs, indulging in self pity and worldly cynicism.
 On reflection, there has never been one that leads more than the other, they just take their seasons and get on with it. 

Springs and Summers have turned to sadness, while Autumns and Winters offer up the Magick and answers I seek. And in different years time, the roles will shift. 

Each season is in itself,  not just a weather shift , but an emotional, spiritual, mental and creative change as well.

The cravings change, the people of frequent change, the expression of art changes, the desires of learning and the things I once held dear become examples of seasons past. 
And while the seasons change, so does my heart and this understanding of who I am. 

This brilliant and vibrant being who continues to thrive despite adversities and really bad versions of what my heart wants lol..

And while I continue to crave the sort of connection of kindred soul and heart love, 

I will continue holding that connection and understanding within the core of my own being. 

Deeply knowing, loving and understanding my own heart.

 I am continuously surprised by my own resilience to all things. 

Truly, my life has not turned out as I would have expected, and although at this very moment my heart is deeply and irrevocably broken. (Yet, completely whole by all the love I have felt, given or once have had.) I know there will be days in the future when I can look back with love, understanding and growth, and know it was not all for naught. (Haha double negative🙏🏼)

This offers me hope, and only makes me want to know those days already, just a little lol.
 Retrospect can be a beautiful gift to treasure and use.. and I truly wish to have and share it’s capacity this day and every other to follow. 
To be able to feel one thing, yet all things at once, this is my hearts greatest content and greatest sorrow. but for today, it is a gift. I do not offer more wisdom than I have, nor will I ever waste time pretending to know more than I do. I instead, offer myself as I am in whatever stage I am. 
How frightful and vulnerable to present your being to the world as you are in that moment. Good or bad (whatever that means) 
The interpretation of those who see you, will be entirely up to them...

Do we wish to see others as they present themselves (truthful or not) or do we want to see them as we think they are. 
These things can be at times, desperately hard to distinguish.. and I offer no advice or tricks in seeing one or the other.
 For me, it is always important to try and see a person for the truth of who they are, whether they offer it up or not. This is my blessing and my curse (that I lovingly hate.) Not everyone can see the soul of another, and this is something I have come to learn. Live your life as you honestly are, and you will see the world and others as they truly are, apparent or not. Within this, you can see the heart of another. Is it filled with love for themselves and the world around them, or is it something entirely different? 
Who are you and how do you perceive the world? 
These questions are yours alone to have and to answer, whether you share them is not relevant. 

-E.B

**Shared from my private collection**

Depression ** Coping mechanisms

**
3pm 05-17-18

As I feel myself slipping back into a depression, I find myself standing in the kitchen, antsy- force feeding myself cold pasta because well .. it would be the second thing on the list of small things I’ve eaten all day.
Depression, anger, confusion, hurt, sadness, resentment all coupled with an eating disorder that’s been hidden for years, and sharp demons of the past creeping, into the corners of my mind palace..
I’d have to say, it’s not a healthy combination.
In times like these, it’s hard to do anything .
So I begin my solitary journey inward .
I call on the muses for inspiration .
The angels for signs of hope .
The fairies of manifestation to show me opportunities,
and my brain to keep itself together.



It’s hard battling a brain that’s more intelligent than you, a body that needs to be well taken care of and fit but has a hard time producing enough happy chemicals..

Bodily care and meditation are my saviors, as I think on self care from previous extreme lows.
Hoping these things will give me a boost and snap me out of it.
Depression, along with emotional turmoil put on the “deal with later” shelf (mind palace nonsense) makes for a ticking time bomb, scooting me closer and closer to the edge of the cliffs .

As I feel my depression soaked clothing, I start the shower and strip down . Feeling lighter already .
Am I the only one who feels better without clothing?
 Sure, it’s not generally heavy. But it weighs my body down .
Coping mechanisms in hand , I just want this depression over with
GET ME OUT OF HERE
and I know once I am gone from this place that once made me feel so loved and safe, I will once again start coming back to myself .
The world will be beautiful again ( It is even now)  and I won’t be crying all the time.
(Oh but how long ?)
Woe is me, never works for long . And it’s never been my cup of tea.
More like, HOW THE FUXK DO I GET RID OF THIS?..
(gentleness and patience along with honesty and communication)

With the presence in my hands,
And the future outstretched .
My future has never been more clear ,

Now to deal with the present ..

Man: the biggest threat to sharks

There are currently over 400 species of sharks swimming in our earth's waters. They are one of the oldest apex predators (around 450 million years old) and are a huge factor in keeping the ocean and its fish population under control. Its bad enough the demand for human consumption of fish is a factor in the threat to our oceans, but what about the bigger threats that we pose to the population of sharks?

Approx. 100 million sharks are killed each year by humans. The deaths range from accidental motor killings, environment degradation, to commercial fishing boats picking them up accidentally while hunting for other fish, to being targeted by ludicrous humans aimed to torture, and the biggest threat of all- being targeted for a popular asian dish known as shark fin soup.

Shark finning, Currently the biggest threat to the most important predator to grace our oceans.
Mind you, shark finning is not just illegal, but shark fishing in general has been banned by a wide list of countries.
below is a list of countries currently banning shark finning, shark fishing and the shipment of shark parts. Also, a list of places that currently use shark fins or transport them. Listed is one of our own airlines, United.
List of countries banning shark fishing and finning 

Shark finning alone kills around 75 MILLION sharks per year, racking in devastating numbers for the population as a whole. The species of sharks that are in the greatest amount of danger, are that of the Great hammerhead and the Scalloped hammerhead.Both, are listed as having a high risk of extinction.
There are currently 14 species of sharks targeted by the shark fin trade.
Below is a link to those 14 species:
The 14 species of sharks at risk 
and here is a link to critically endangered shark species, for more than one reason:
10 amazing endangered shark species

The shark fins are used in a popular asian delicacy known as shark fin soup. Sure, a dish using a fish is harmless right ?
You'd be surprised how wrong this is, The fins are actually cut off when the sharks are still alive, and the fishermen then proceed to throw the sharks back into the ocean. Where they are likely to suffer a long and painful death. They can bleed to death, die of suffocation (sharks must be in constant swim motion to stay alive) or get eaten by other predatory creatures of the ocean. This leaves them and their shark families devastated.

  

The dish is rumored to have medical properties (which are not scientifically proven) but what the science really shows, is that sharks contain a high Level of mercury and subsequently pose a threat to our health. The fin itself has little to no taste and is actually used as a texture additive to the dish.  Which is served at weddings or banquets. Showing that the dish itself is prized and not really sought after for the taste or health benefits. The soup itself can range from $100 a serving and higher, making it a must-have in wealthy asian culture.


It's extremely hard to catch the fisherman who are participating in this illegal act, given the vastness of the ocean and the hundreds of thousands of fisherman going in and out of the waters daily. Making it almost impossible, to accurately records the numbers and report them correctly. Leaving the targeted species vulnerable to being at a greater risk than previously thought.


While many countries ban the finning and fishing of sharks, many places still serve the dish and do little to nothing to persecute the people caught in the act. These 'laxed laws and persecution rates, leave many comfortable with committing such crimes. At a whopping $450 a pound for the shark fins alone, its no wonder the prized dollars makes them highly sought after. The shark meat is priced less than your average fish, so the meat to these fisherman is considered useless, which is why they are generally thrown back in finless, alive and helpless . There are approx 26-73 million shark fins being bought and consumed per year in china alone. This is but one country indulging in the shark fin delicacy.

There are laws put in place and organizations working to better the possibility of keeping this ancient predator alive and protected. We are the biggest threat to these species and we alone have to fix the damage done.
Here is a link to the shark conservation act.
Shark conservation act

There are wonderful organizations like the WWF who work everyday to not only to help these endangered species be protected and studied, but other endangered species as well.
You can even Adopt a great white (how fun is that) Below is a link to do just that
Adopt me!
You can always donate to these ocean researchers and organizations (But always be sure to do your research to make sure they are actually using the money for that)
ways sharks are being helped
Here is a link to more ways you can help
Ways to help


Not only is our awareness necessary, but our donations, studies and our active participation in spreading this knowledge. One day at a time we can save endangered species. 

                                                                            E.B