Survivors guilt

Spring has worked its way through my body, as Summer begins to settle into my bones. 

It calls to me, begging and pleading for honoring the state of things. 
A heart heavy, asking to be held a bit more softly, and for just a little bit longer. 

A soul asking for answers I have none to give, 

My body craves support, rest and more than anything to be listened to. 

The grief is nestled into my muscles, causing them to feel slow and heavy some days. 

We're creeping upon the Anniversary.

the final weeks and days from it, and it has begun to shine a light on why my muscle memory is hitting even harder. The space that hospice created inside of me, is something that will never leave my bones, I’m accepting that. Why it felt so cathartic, and why it still does. Around this time of year is exactly when I begun to accept the reality of things. The hope for "best case" began to dissolve. The shock of "Oh, she's really not getting better, is she."

My memory is not something I hold as a reliable source for recollection, but if you ask me to walk through that building with my eyes closed and to recall the detail, I can. The days, the meals, the corners of snacks, the couches and fireplace that offered comfort. The old man down the hall who kept his door open, and tv a little too loud. The walking path outside around the property, and the parking lot where we went to get air, and escape as often as possible. 

The guilt that held in my chest each time I left, and especially when I left before she passed.

 "Survivors guilt" they call it. I call it my cowardice. 

The weight of the guilt of not staying all the way through, haunts me and I know it always will. I never regretted anything else with her. I soaked up every moment I was ever offered, planned my months around it often.  I honored her sisterhood every single moment of every single day. I just wish I could have been brave enough to hold her hand all the way to her last moment. I sought my own comfort of leaving, over facing the hardest thing of my life. Do I have the capacity to spend this next season offering myself forgiveness for this?

A mirror can often times be the hardest thing to face.

 But as I allow myself to crack open even more, to dissolve into it entirely. 

I let go of the need to have control over this. 

💕💕

To surrender again and again to the ocean of pain and the ocean of love. 

Two oceans together, forever. 

Inspired Action

 When faced with the painstaking truth of reality, how do we deal when the outcomes are not what you've anticipated? 
 Upon walking into an environment that feels less than inviting.

 One that, for the longest, felt light and safe. 

Now, well we're just sat aside. Aren't we. 

Locked doors; pretense of not belonging. 

displaced grief and words of "nothing personal.." 
oh but why is it not personal, darling?  
It should be. We still exist. 

invigoration through acts of defiance.
Stir the pot, unintentionally.

 Let's shake this foundation up, 

yours and mine. 

Well.. Why not? 

Inspired action is what I'll call this. 

A calling from deep within, to act on impulse and continue acting without further thought.
Pure Instinct. 

It's been ages since I've felt this sort of spark.
 Re-ignited. A fire in my belly. 
It's been ages..



Whatever the source of inspired action, this was the necessary charge. 

An invitation to live.. 

To embrace the living. 

No matter how much you try and prepare for things, for other people, there's no true telling how it will end up being. My body takes the brunt of it. Aching and holding onto my emotions with such ferocity. There's no need to be so tense, can't I just process in real time? Why must I sit for days and days before I can fully grasp. 

Nevertheless.

Where will I end up on the other side of this? To go through, well it's brutal. 

I've been shown the need to let go..

 and once you're forced to let go in the hardest form. 

Well,

all the other requests of letting go, aren't as large an ask.

 Each season and milestone seem that much more significant. 

An invitation to take it all more gracefully, with more appreciation. 

An invitation to ground. 

To deepen roots and look at the vines which entwine it all. 

How deeply interlaced the joy is with all the sorrow. 
I feel so much more.. and in the process..
 It's shown me everything I've ever felt, grieved, or pushed aside.
Ask of me to surrender and surrender I shall.

Once more...

 It was ages ago I started this thing. My sweet, precious, darling blog. 

The love I had for it was vast and constant, 

perhaps it was more a love of output. 

Of expression. 

My hearts content.

Years of dedication to it and then one day, the well dried. 

After a decade plus of pouring my heart out, searching, seeking, outpouring... then one day, cringe and I deleted almost all of it.. (a huge regret I will always hold) the expression stopped all together.  

It was as if I couldn't bear the thought of being seen. 

     

 until recently.. 

the quietest whispers of the muses said to me, "...and what about blogging, darling."

and it wasn't in a moment of seeking, no not at all. 

It was in a moment of desperation to get to the heart of this grief. 

To actually accept it. 

ew

Acceptance? 

Who is she.  

Not many times in my life, had I written fiction for the sake of it. Then, all of a sudden it was all I read all I wrote, all I consumed. Now that inspiration has halted, I know the block. It's glaringly obvious. 

Grief

That rat bastard. Staring me right in the face, zapping all the expression once more. Grief in a different form...One I've never become quite so acquainted with. This is the one that will either do me in, or ask everything of me to go through, once more. 

Asking of me to go right into the heart of it. 

This grief stricken, vast ocean of feeling, of love, of constant seeking...

dear lord.

 To seek inspiration and acceptance. To get out of my own fucking way. You're telling me I have to go through the pain, this weight on my chest and love it? all the same? ugh.

okay fine, I guess..

If I wish to get this inspiration back, so I can finish a damn book, so I can finish a damn story. 

So I can breath again..

I need to delve right into my own core and pull it out. 

Face the obvious and if I want to write good I'm going to need to stop being a lil bitch about this all. 

Oh, but I do love a good whine and lay about. 

I suppose, if I don't prioritize the sorting of it all, the outpouring and express. 

I'll go stark raving mad. 

I've been there before and I'd like to not go back. 

So you mean to tell me, feverishly scribbling into my journal isn't going to be enough?

You get a little whisper, you follow the intuitive urgings and that's that. 

The muses lead you to the rest.

and oh how I've missed it.

"Death's gifts are many, one of which is a mirror. When we lose someone to it, it shows us who we are- stripped and reflective. What are the things we hold in value regarding death and its many faces? How do we respond to something so finite and inevitable? Do we embrace the unknown? Okay with having no answer? Do we place a name and resting home after death's kiss? Do we fear death? Paranoid that it could be lurking around the corner, ready to strike at any moment. Do we deny its presence? it's constant reminder? What do we choose to do with this knowledge? Do we embrace life? 

Isn't that our duty? Do we not owe this to those who have gone? Are we capable?" 

- taken from my private collections