Grief is a strange mistress, isnt she.
Walking next to you, as some gorgeous hooded creature.
Faceless and heavy footed, as apparent as the elephants in the rooms of your heart
While they tell you about the stages of grief that we all inevitably go through, in whatever loss or suffering or global crisis etc we experience. What we cannot fully comprehend are the stages in their time frame,
or how our behaviors will shift due to these things.
You dont always wake up one day sad, and say “ oh yes, this is sadness due to grief. I will face it and be onto the next.” And the next day and next.
Frankly,
most people do not wish to put aside the time to go inward and face these things..
Who can blame a person for wanting to avoid emotions and the trauma of grief..
I've been a grief soaked and soulless creature before,
unable to comprehend a trauma so deep and shattering
that I felt as if the world was the enemy
and there was nothing left but the pit.
They don’t tell you how much your character and behavior can and will change due to grief,
for the good and bad.
And I find myself, facing that creature of Grief once again, in two more forms.
Loss and global pandemic.
It has shown me the pit once again
and I now peer into her, as the bottomless,
yet eye opening free fall she is.
Behaviors, emotions and senses heightened as they are on all levels.
How, since grandmas passing,
I find myself inevitably holding an ocd standard to house work and its routine.
You see, She would not let me organize or keep things in order..
So now mess and clutter is an even huger stressor than it ever was.
Is this Grief manifested ? ..
Moments,
after I was told she passed, my first instinct was to start and organize and de clutter.
All of the small areas she hoarded things in,
or bottles and papers kept “just incase” Items or tasks that “She would do”.
How the stubborn will of an incredible life force and powerhouse,
was her inevitable downfall.
How can one comprehend this?
Its hard to, at first,
face all the small discrepancies that were there in the end.
Face an ending that was fucking hard man,
it was hard as shit.
Harder than anything I have ever faced..
...
In my heart,
the grandma that I hold and know
was the one that made me fall in love with books, and her storytelling.
Taught me unimaginable things that always always were helpful.
A brilliant light that ultimately helped shape me.
Grief is so heavy.
And its something that must be felt, on every level.
Every fucking time, you need to face it.
What a strange thing to face,
grief…
……
…..
…
Inevitably changing us whether we accept or not.
How, we, without consent are here in a global crisis ,
with trauma and grief floating all around for every human to experience.
Because grief, no doubt, and especially circumstantial trauma, brings up other things that need to be faced.
Talk about some heavy shit, man.
How do you face it?
And move.. into the moment thats just waiting there? ..
….
…..
Grace is a fucking powerful thing.
And sometimes its literally the only saving grace.
(Haha I fucking get it now)
Grace with yourself, and the world around you.
If you can Allot that grace, you’re un-fucking-stoppable.
Experts say that grief can really change a mind,
make you face your demons or help you choose to run away.
It can make you feel all alone at night,
whilst you’re laying in your bed.
In a house surrounded by millions of other houses.
But you’re not alone, and grief isn’t the end.
It’s fucking true what they say,
you gotta feel the shitty shit to get to the good shit.
How hard and dark and sad is that shitty shit...
But how fucking great does that good shit feel when you can face the fuuuucking darkness that is grief?
It feels top notch, My Darling.
And once you conquer one set of darknesses,
guess what.
You got the rest of em.
Remember that.
Hey, I know life is heavy af rn, but its gonna be alright. Promises
Here are a few resources on coping with things like Grief and Trauma. The more educated you allow yourself to be, the more equipped you’re gonna find yourself in every day life.
Book smart and street smart. Enjoy, and Ciao for nowwww my loves :
EB
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