To claim it as a rollercoaster doesnt begin to cover the range of lows that've accompanied me, with the different faces of grief taking their turn housing my heart.
Over time you just get used to calls and conversations with someone, and the thought of them one day being gone escapes your mind. Random texts asking how we are, or insisting that we come get this juice she bought for us.
I got to experience a small lifetime of her banter, wonderful story-telling skills and forced yard work on us all.
(To no avail, because I never developed a green thumb lol!).
Being fed small bowls of chicken and angel hair soup,
while sitting on the stairs of her house. Listening to her stories about being a kid or her adventures with Grandpa, while I slowly drifted in and out of sleepiness to the droning sound of her voice.
That voice and those stories I hope to never forget.
Or, the laugh she had when she cracked herself up, while slapping her knee.
The feeling of her boney knuckles rubbing your spine when you needed it most.
Or how she could untangle any chain with her nimble little fingers, and a grace and patience that was truly unmatched.
Thousands of small details that now seem more important than ever, right?
I hope she knew how much I loved her. The special place she held and will always hold in my heart.
In all our hearts. With two down and a lifetime of years to come without her, Im grateful for the things she taught me, the silly moments I shared and the infinite space of love she held in her heart for us all.
In the end, the cycle was completed, and I got to take care of her those last two years.
Perhaps this is why the sorrow in my heart's so heavy somedays.
Questions loom and watching you wither and wilt was a slow progression of spikes digging into me. The most beautiful Mass of being eventually would be gone and I was watching it happen. I still remember the last thing I did for you, I still remember the last kiss I gave you. Dreams of these things still haunt me.
But I hope you're floating in the ethereal, in peace at last.
If there was a divine paradise, guaranteed you got in.
So what do you say to someone who had such a wonderful impact on your life, and you never got to tell them how much you truly appreciated everything? She was someone who loved big and never let you feel unloved. With a heart and personality as large as life, this spot, the hole and special place in my heart will never be refilled. But a place that I take flowers to and hold onto and cry. Grief presents herself in many ways. One of the best ways is holding onto the overflowing love I felt from her.
In the end its not what they did for you or how they did it, its the conversations, and the quality time you had together. The more you mourn someone, the more you notice small details of yourself absorbing who they were. Mannerisms that are picked up by being around them so much. The hoarding of lids, or empty jars. How do you say thank you and I love you to someone who is gone?
Perhaps today, I'll light a candle and send a prayer up in its smoke. Spend extra time dusting your shelf and making sure the pictures are perfectly placed.
Thank you, Grandma for being just absolutely topnotch, the classiest and sassiest lady in the land. We're all better off because of you.
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