Philosophical asshat

Nov 19th 10:42 pm:

Fondly remembering a time when I was patient and content with life and what it had to offer.. 

these days, it seems, I’m becoming more patient and desiring to have an understanding of those around me on an intimate, constant basis , and less patient with life and what it has to offer. 

Adversity...

A tricky curve ball that chaos itself has thrown at you. 

Life seems to me, a constant straight with its own meanings and ways, that sometimes happens upon other sort of things... but is nonetheless, it’s own line. 

What do we do with it ?

 Now, that seems to me, the only thing we can have an answer to. 

I no longer believe that everything happens for a reason, I truly know now that when we are happening upon a bit of chaos that you call adversity, we can choose to find something within it that teaches us or shows us something. In any sort of light...

Complete devastation can allow us to feel so much suffering that one day, we can call on that pain with gratitude or complete grief.. 

 Some sort of strength was acquired in the future, because of that. Our hearts and life lessons (as I call them) are a collection of beautiful triumphs ( or failures) over something so devastating or disappointing. What do we take from these adversities, if anything at all? And what do we do with it as we are in the current state of ? If I take my heart as I am, then what will come of it ? Do I allow myself to suffer so ? If this is what I choose, will I come out with a better understanding or will I just stay the same ? As I question this, I know the latter is not possible. Me, stay the same ? Ha! One thing is for certain, a halt in evolution is not on my plate. But how do we discern the evolving from the stagnant waste? How can one possibly hate humanity and love it all at the same time? And when did I start sounding like some self pondering philosophical asshat... 

E.B

Taken from my private collections--

Reflections

 In the deepest most vibrant crevices of the heart, what humans long for the most, is to be understood, loved and cared for so deeply and honestly by another. That the purity of receiving this understanding from another, brings forth this pure, whole, true version of self.. without force or suggestion. This never has to mean a romantic connection, for those are generally clouded by societal labels and misunderstandings of communication/ versions of love etc etc... but a connection so pure in nature that it is nothing short of holy. 

 How truly rare it is to look into a mirror and see this clear vision of yourself, let alone this crystal clear view of another. 

My heart is the optimist in life, whilst my brain wears me down with the logical interpretations and realities that are sometimes a sad drain on who I am. 
My soul seems to come and go as she pleases, bringing forth wisdom, magick and perspective from all angles. 
The optimist hopes and loves, creates and sees the magick..while the pessimist scowls and scoffs, indulging in self pity and worldly cynicism.
 On reflection, there has never been one that leads more than the other, they just take their seasons and get on with it. 

Springs and Summers have turned to sadness, while Autumns and Winters offer up the Magick and answers I seek. And in different years time, the roles will shift. 

Each season is in itself,  not just a weather shift , but an emotional, spiritual, mental and creative change as well.

The cravings change, the people of frequent change, the expression of art changes, the desires of learning and the things I once held dear become examples of seasons past. 
And while the seasons change, so does my heart and this understanding of who I am. 

This brilliant and vibrant being who continues to thrive despite adversities and really bad versions of what my heart wants lol..

And while I continue to crave the sort of connection of kindred soul and heart love, 

I will continue holding that connection and understanding within the core of my own being. 

Deeply knowing, loving and understanding my own heart.

 I am continuously surprised by my own resilience to all things. 

Truly, my life has not turned out as I would have expected, and although at this very moment my heart is deeply and irrevocably broken. (Yet, completely whole by all the love I have felt, given or once have had.) I know there will be days in the future when I can look back with love, understanding and growth, and know it was not all for naught. (Haha double negative🙏🏼)

This offers me hope, and only makes me want to know those days already, just a little lol.
 Retrospect can be a beautiful gift to treasure and use.. and I truly wish to have and share it’s capacity this day and every other to follow. 
To be able to feel one thing, yet all things at once, this is my hearts greatest content and greatest sorrow. but for today, it is a gift. I do not offer more wisdom than I have, nor will I ever waste time pretending to know more than I do. I instead, offer myself as I am in whatever stage I am. 
How frightful and vulnerable to present your being to the world as you are in that moment. Good or bad (whatever that means) 
The interpretation of those who see you, will be entirely up to them...

Do we wish to see others as they present themselves (truthful or not) or do we want to see them as we think they are. 
These things can be at times, desperately hard to distinguish.. and I offer no advice or tricks in seeing one or the other.
 For me, it is always important to try and see a person for the truth of who they are, whether they offer it up or not. This is my blessing and my curse (that I lovingly hate.) Not everyone can see the soul of another, and this is something I have come to learn. Live your life as you honestly are, and you will see the world and others as they truly are, apparent or not. Within this, you can see the heart of another. Is it filled with love for themselves and the world around them, or is it something entirely different? 
Who are you and how do you perceive the world? 
These questions are yours alone to have and to answer, whether you share them is not relevant. 

-E.B

**Shared from my private collection**

Depression ** Coping mechanisms

**
3pm 05-17-18

As I feel myself slipping back into a depression, I find myself standing in the kitchen, antsy- force feeding myself cold pasta because well .. it would be the second thing on the list of small things I’ve eaten all day.
Depression, anger, confusion, hurt, sadness, resentment all coupled with an eating disorder that’s been hidden for years, and sharp demons of the past creeping, into the corners of my mind palace..
I’d have to say, it’s not a healthy combination.
In times like these, it’s hard to do anything .
So I begin my solitary journey inward .
I call on the muses for inspiration .
The angels for signs of hope .
The fairies of manifestation to show me opportunities,
and my brain to keep itself together.



It’s hard battling a brain that’s more intelligent than you, a body that needs to be well taken care of and fit but has a hard time producing enough happy chemicals..

Bodily care and meditation are my saviors, as I think on self care from previous extreme lows.
Hoping these things will give me a boost and snap me out of it.
Depression, along with emotional turmoil put on the “deal with later” shelf (mind palace nonsense) makes for a ticking time bomb, scooting me closer and closer to the edge of the cliffs .

As I feel my depression soaked clothing, I start the shower and strip down . Feeling lighter already .
Am I the only one who feels better without clothing?
 Sure, it’s not generally heavy. But it weighs my body down .
Coping mechanisms in hand , I just want this depression over with
GET ME OUT OF HERE
and I know once I am gone from this place that once made me feel so loved and safe, I will once again start coming back to myself .
The world will be beautiful again ( It is even now)  and I won’t be crying all the time.
(Oh but how long ?)
Woe is me, never works for long . And it’s never been my cup of tea.
More like, HOW THE FUXK DO I GET RID OF THIS?..
(gentleness and patience along with honesty and communication)

With the presence in my hands,
And the future outstretched .
My future has never been more clear ,

Now to deal with the present ..