9 year mark- post trauma- Sexual assault awareness and reflections

*Trigger warning*

July marks the 9 year Anniversary of my violent sexual assault, and honestly I can't believe it has been that long. 9 years? What a journey it has been, and how much more knowledgable and fierce I feel this day. It has not been easy at times, because every year since the day after, my body goes into its habitual memory of the traumatic event and I end up feeling more tiresome, melancholy and ho-hum than usual. Our bodies tend to respond to trauma sooner than our brain can function to hash out all the details, or allow you to fully come into it. Thats just the brain though, creating defenses to protect you. As I stood in the kitchen, going about my day, I had myself, the first flashback in a while. I thought to myself, "now why do I want to think of these details again", the same ones replaying as if they are the only chunks my brain will let me remember, I do not dare push the boundaries, because I really don't want to remember everything. What I do remember is vivid (everything but the actual date it happened) and then it dawned one me what the month it was...
If you find this brash and bold of me to bring up, then allow me to walk you on a journey through the body, mind and journey of recovery for someone who has been through an event such as this.

PTSD, this is a term that is thrown around nonchalantly, but its impact is nothing cute or funny to casually talk about. After 9 years, I am actually able to talk about the events without getting emotional and tearing up, why ? because it took me so long to come out of the darkness that was the aftermath. What helped me, besides the wonderful hoard of friends I had, was the decision to, from now on, bring awareness about the subject. Out of the darkness of taboo topics, and straight into the hands of anyone who is curious, or has suffered.
If you ask anyone who knows me well, you will know, there was a period of 2 years post traumatic event, that I faded into the blackness of the mind and was a "body without a soul" I was not myself, I was hurting and in the deepest pit I had found myself in. One thing I regret is not opening up to my friends more about where I was emotionally and mentally. but like the angels they were, they loved and cared for me despite my sad/terrible disposition. I could not have come out of that hole without their help, and this comes to my first point.
Friends, these creatures are you godsend, they are the literal angels who walk the earth to love and care for you. The family you get to pick for yourself. Opening up and sharing with these folks, is going to help you feel supported and loved. Which is something that you need need need when you're in any state of depression. Staying grounded can feel like the hardest thing, but the last thing you really need to do is isolate yourself more than needed. You are never a burden to your loved ones, please remember this. You are not bothering them when you need love and support, you aren't being annoying when you reach out and feeling low. Remember, they're your literal angels.

Here  are a couple of link, to great articles I wrote a while back about selfcare (in general) and the such after trauma:

5 tips of regeneration after times of difficulty
10 ways to energize your whole being-- click me bb

Its frightening to think about how often this sort of event happens on a daily basis, and how little the implications are for those committing such acts. What is even more frightening, is the amount of men, women and youth who keep it a secret and never seek out help. Trauma is not a fun thing, and should NEVER be dealt with alone. You are never alone

Here is link to a very helpful website if you or a loved one needs help with these things: 

Rainn- click me

The YWCA is also a great resource if you are a woman in need of help:

https://www.ywca.org/

This year, I don't find myself mourning the event, but instead I wish to celebrate the triumph that my overcome has been, wow ! It is so crazy to think what an impact just one terrible night, one terrible person, one terrible event can have on a person. But I, once again, am coming back to myself, to the place where I felt my own desire for feeling. My desire to sense and feel the magic in life, and it takes me back to the summer post trauma, that I reeeeally started to feel like myself again. The summer that I remembered what grounded me, when I remembered what it felt like to be open to the unexpected.
Truly, the event is something that will never leave you, but what you choose to do with the time and how you respond and cope, is the key to surviving.

Here are a couple of links to previous articles I've written about sexual assault,
ptsd and the such.. and are filled with statistics and support :

You are not alone- healing after sexual trauma
Sexual assault and PTSD 

All of my love,
EB

Whats up with the New age conspiracy of "killing" the ego?

Another day, another spiritual trend makes its way into mainstream. New age Spirituality as they call it, is not so new. In fact, its coming into light as seemingly, just another branch of christianity. With the "love and light" communities version of a "Sunday Service"  ringing reminder bells in my brain similar to that of a christian church service. Still the same concept of worship, A church hierarchy system sitting on stage on their thrones, donation based treatment, shaming of characteristics, and the needing to be redeemed.. or in this case, a “shedding of the ego”. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, we could all use a little less of an ego, but this is not that. Its not asking us to be less cocky, but asking us to shed our personality identity. Your worth is now measured by how “ego less” you are, what your energy is “attracting”.. etc. 

Lets set one thing straight,  you CANNOT kill off a part of your expression of self or personality.. and starving any essence of you (“positive” or “negative”) is going to create more trouble than good, while potentially halting personal growth in any way practical or spiritual. 

Every aspect of you, whether you perceive it as good or bad, is essential to who you are and your growth as a whole being. 

Things, like a trusting nature, a fearful nature, being prone to craving this or that etc.. are only ingredients in the formula of self. "To be afraid of darkness is to be afraid of the soul."

"Its not asking us to be less cocky, but asking us to shed our personality identity."

When we feel an over abundance of something we deem as “negative” it’s simply a warning flag from our internal processing letting us know, that we may need to analyze something and make a shift. 

When we try to “kill off” or “ get rid of” an aspect of ourself, do we really get rid of it?

When we are encouraged to do these things, it not only puts unnecessary stress on an individual, into thinking they need to be bigger or better, but makes you feel like less of a person. 

This sort of pressure is deeply relevent in most mainstream religions like Christianity, which has a strong history of this. 

New age religion is a shiny turd in disguise as another shame based belief system. Lectures on “attracting wealth” based on your “vibration”. Crystals to cleanse and heal you. "Mediums" who claim to talk to to the dead .. The list goes on and on. (With all this mainstream, how are we able to discern what is truth and what is a con? and can we truly know?)  Preying on those who are lost and seeking something bigger than themselves. Yet within this "all loving" community you will still find greed and pride, still find cliques, and you will still be shamed as an individual for who and how you are. 

Now, I am not here to shake your belief system, but to encourage you to use your better judgments in these cases. I implore you to focus upon going within.. and redefine what you feel the ego is and explore these different facets of self, and get to know the things we label as “Good and Bad.” We all have a darkness, a side of us if refined well, we can keep at bay. It's nothing to be ashamed of though, this aspect of self we try so hard to shame and shove away. 

"Now, I am not here to shake your belief system, but to encourage you to use your better judgments in these cases."

There is a psychologist named Carl Jung, and he proposed a theory of "The shadow self." stating that it is the "dark" side of us that we suppress, and deny. But think if we went inward and faced these aspects of ourself that we deem unworthy or unholy even, and instead of fearing them and fearing for "judgment day" we atone with ourselves and work towards moving into a balanced and self loving version. You honestly don't need to think of yourself as a weak unworthy being needed to be redeemed and cleansed by a higher power, but one willing to forgive and will to ask for forgiveness from others where need be. All these "things" we label as bad and good are just things. The lines between them can be rather thin, and its truly up to us to decide what we need to keep on with, or improve upon. Simple as that, perhaps. Yet, the journey is a continuous one. 

 Our journey constantly requires us to be held accountable for our own actions, thoughts and deeds. You can either grow, stay the same or float in between both places. 

You don’t need approval from a spiritual community to be whole or at peace. The key to a powerful spiritual life comes from a good relationship with yourself and acceptance ofwho you are on every level. What you choose is your choice, but i am here to warn you to watch out for predators in disguise as a spiritual community, its up to your own discernment to decide what seems honest or not.

"You don’t need approval from a spiritual community to be whole or at peace. The key to a powerful spiritual life comes from a good relationship with yourself and who you are."

As far as a journey inward goes, here are some questions to begin with.. 

What about you do you wish you were stronger in? 

What do you feel could be improved upon? 

Are you taking time to simply just enjoy your essence? 

Do you enjoy your own company?

 What within your immediate power can you do to ensure this? 

Look at those around you and try to notice those with a confidence of living. 

Those beautiful people that seem to be exuberant and vibrant within their skin. 

What is it about them? What makes them have such a confidence and the ability to come from a place of personal power? 

Perhaps, it comes from a lifetime spent working hard. On the physical, spiritual and emotional front. From my observations and experience, the ones who stick out to me as actually peaceful and centered are the ones who have a great knowledge of self and their emotions. They have been through their worst and have managed to come out on top despite it all.  They have a great outer support system as well, choosing to surround themselves with people who listen, are honest, and authentic.

Sometimes, we will have a loop of something circulating and the moment it is spoken to another we often answer our own question or we can receive some great insight from them. 

"Sometimes, we will have a loop of something circulating and the moment it is spoken to another we often answer our own question or we can receive some great insight from them."

Over the past two years I have been losing, regaining, questioning, hating etc my belief system; and this sort of thing is normal for me every few years. In all the madness of questioning I am always taken back to one place, and that is my heart center and the origin of my belief system. The journey with self . Through my studies, passions and followings i’ve never found one spiritual thought process or following to shine brighter or seem like a one path for all. 

Nor do i think any one should feel pressured or shamed by a “religion” or following.  If this is your choice I ask you to be noble and hold others accountable in walking their talk, as well as yourself. It can be easy to fall into something because we feel lost or broken, but that is the time when we are most vulnerable and can be caught of guard by a wolf in sheeps clothing. Always, always begin within. Process your emotions (or seek help in that area) and go from there. An evaluation of self is the greatest first step in a feeling of connectedness with everything. Any journey, such as a spiritual path is a lifetime walk. So feel okay in whatever you do, and don't feel afraid to questions things that don't seem to click, you are always allowed to do so. 

To change, evolve and grow. 

Always my best, 

EB